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| The Schroeder Family 2013 New Year/Christmas card |
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!
I think I can easily say this was the best Christmas ever. We spent a great deal of time (in fact five different Christmases) together and didn't argue once. Our boys were more than excited to see family and friends around the Christmas tree, eat delicious food and of course unwrap those presents. This year was a little bit more special because Gavin understands Santa a little bit more and now gets that the whole reason we celebrate Christmas is because it's baby Jesus's birthday- now that is special. Both of the boys had no "temper tantrums" at any of the places we visited, and that makes this mama happy!
I didn't get the dog (like I need some more chaos) I wanted and Dan didn't get the new snowmobile he asked Santa for, but I think we'll suffice. You kind of forget about the "wants" when you become an adult and think more about the giving aspect of Christmas. It's truly amazing.
The little boys are little boys and were more than excited about the gifts that they received. I'm pretty sure we need to find the boys a new interest other than construction toys and John Deere tractors, we're soon going to need to put an addition on the house for storage for these massive, clunky toys. Gavin has discovered a new interest in legos and I am a little OCD to have them all in my house. Not for the mess but because they all come in sets and you have to build this contraption that moves and swivels and I am obsessed. I could spend about five hours building and sculpting and playing with them- what am I six?! Jude is still loving his books- but only "real life" books- trains, construction, tractors, animals. He shows little to no interest in fiction or tv for that matter. I would say the closest thing to amusement is the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse theme song, after that's over he's back to his path of destruction. And when I say destruction I mean it. You can imagine what his room looks like. He is currently sitting in the fridge re-arranging my condiments and snorting like a pig. It is (hashtag) never a dull moment.
I am grateful that we had so much to celebrate this year. In fact, I'm grateful that Dan and I could celebrate it together, as a family. Because at one point I wasn't too sure we'd make it to the 25th of December. I do not shy away from talking about my relationship with Dan, it.is.hard. We drive each other to our breaking points and honestly are ready to walk away 20% of the year. But this Christmas we gave our kids the best thing we could give them and that was to try even harder to make our marriage something meaningful to each other and this family a happy one. Marriage is something that comes with no manual and goes many different ways. I, myself, have never seen an amazing marriage. I don't know ANYONE out there who has one. In fact, I don't think there really is an "ideal" marriage so I have nothing to go by. I don't know the rules and I don't think it is something I'll ever get better at, I will never be the relationship expert people come to for advice, I just want my marriage to be better than it has been in the past. And there is only one way to go from that spot... and it is up.
We've both done a lot of growing in the past year. We met the harsh reality that outside others really do have a lot to do with the inside of your marriage. The negativity surrounds you more than the uplifting positivity of others. More so with me than Dan, and more so mentally than physically- if you know what I mean. Just to be 100% clear and not start a rumor that came from this blog, no- no cheating scandals or any sorts of that. I "grieved" a loss of a few friends because they weren't really there to be my friends and made me feel depressed and upset and questioning everything about Samantha Jo (fucking) Schroeder. And that made me feel at a loss with who I am as a wife and made my family suffer. This year I was negative and let my mind be dragged down and question so much. I loss the confidence that I've had for 25 years. Confidence that I had when I was fat and pregnant, or just fat from being pregnant, confidence that made me do that 13.1 mile half marathon with people who I knew were way faster than me, confidence in being a daughter who is mind blown with the fact her mom is losing her house to foreclosure and moving away from from me, and my boys, and the town she grew up in, I just basically lost confidence I've always had in myself. And the fact that I let these negative thoughts and people take that away from me and make myself feel horrible and let my family suffer really upsets me more than any of those reasons listed above. So like I said there is no way to go but up. 2013 was a great year, so much to celebrate... but 2014 is going to be much better. Growing back together with Dan, being a mom to my sweet boys, getting the negativity and sadness out of my life and being that same person I've been for the last 25 years. I truly can't wait.
And the first start to 2014 is a much needed face-lift to this blog. It needs some help. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a Happy NEW Year!
