leaving

today was justins funeral and it was such an emotional service. there were tons of tears, many smiles and some laughs. he will be missed always, and never forgotten.

grandma shari came over to watch gavin while we were at the service. it seems like when gav's with his grandma shair he dosen't want to sleep, just play. this makes for a very tired baby when mom comes home.
there was a weird feeling that i got today. as we sat around with friends at justin's lunchen... i felt like i didn't have a baby. i mean i was talking about gavin and comparing him to danielle's brothers newborn baby... it was so strange. a bunch of people were heading to kickers to have a drink or two, or five after the lunchen and i was ready to go. it didn't even once hit me that no, i have to go home to my baby. i really don't know why this happened... it never has before. even when we were driving home i was all ready to go spend the rest of the afternoon with smith and dan.
i think this is the first time i've gone out and not had gavin on my mind. where is he? is he okay? is he being fussy? did he eat? nap? poop? smile? crawl? laugh? scream? i mean, NONE of that went through my head. i think i might of had a little bit too much on my mind and in my head. it was crazy.
we did come home. dan and smith went into the garage to do their manly things and fix god only knows what.. i came inside to find my little man in grandma's arms, half asleep with his hands over both of eyes. one look at him and i frogot about everything that i had gone through this morning and all of the crazy emotions that were going through my head. i forgot for the first time since friday that justin was gone. i fell completely in love with him the second he moved his hands from his eyes, opened his eyes and looked at me with a smile.